Keto has taken the world by storm. Everyone wants to date him, wrap him up, take him home and pose with him in the mirror. But Keto takes away the Krap.
We start this journey with full transparency. I went out with Keto for a while. I sat on the side of a little dirty and not real strict, at first. Honestly, I couldn’t figure out the math, I guess Linda Mell didn’t really help me out in Mr. Johnson’s math class after all. (I am pretty sure it was Linda if not, I am sorry for throwing you under the bus) I achieved minor success, 9 lbs, and enough inches to notice in clothes, not out of clothes. I’d like to say that this motivated me to be less dirty, but it really was a long trip to Kentucky and Iowa hanging out with burgers and the best pizza in the world that really pushed me to try and figure out the math.
6 months-ish, remember, I am not a mathematician, into this Keto relationship, I found an App that seemed to have real promise in helping me to figure out how to eat. I logged and I logged and I logged some more. I followed my macros to the T, 97.9% of the time. Guess what happened??? Want a hint? The answer rhymes with, um, I don’t think nothing rhymes with anything. But that is it, nothing happened. I’m sorry, I did feel less bloated, I was no longer physically inflamed, just mentally because nothing was happening. My mind was a wreck, I complained on the inside and on the outside. I yelled at my eggs, my spinach and my salads the size of a human head. As you can imagine, that didn’t really help either.
I had started this journey with Keto because I wanted to be 20 to 27 pounds thinner, get healthier and see if my blood pressure, it’s a through the roof kind of blood pressure, would get better. Oh, and I had a trip to Mexico for my ‘nieces’ wedding at the end of March, (I started the beginning of August). Yes, March has come and gone and chubby me sported my suits like I always do, but inside I was really missing the success of everyone, or so it seems, on Facebook that have lost a million pounds in 3 weeks and blah, d blah, d blah. The pages I followed would talk to seemingly other people like me who didn’t feel very successful in their relationships with Keto. The successful people reminded the unsuccessful people that everyone is different and we all make it through this journey differently. That is like saying some peeps are rich and some aren’t. I would even seek out successful people and ask them to just tell me what they were eating so that I could copy it, you’d think that I was panhandling outside of McDonald’s asking for a buck or spare change. Crazy how people in this Keto relationship are so protective of what they actually eat. Yes, there are exceptions, just like with wealth and toilet paper.
We started out talking about how Keto takes away the Krap. I was trying to be transparent by telling you, I am basically a jilted lover of Keto. I heard about him, I met him, I hung out with him and we parted ways. I just want to be clear, my view is tainted. Keto, however, does take away the Krap. I know this because of the forums I follow about Keto. Everyone, basically, talks about the same 3 things… how much weight they are losing, is there a good substitution for sweets or crunchy things, and the fact that they just can’t poop. If you think about it, it’s like a real-life relationship. In the beginning, you lose weight, don’t really eat sweets and crunchy things and you just can’t poop with them around.
In closing, obviously, I am just trying to find the humor in the fact that Keto didn’t work for me and laugh at constipation. By the way, if you are on Keto and have lost weight, good for you. If you can’t find a substitution for sweets and crunchy things, it’s only because there really aren’t any true substitutions and if you are having trouble pooping, mostly I hear, taking a Magnesium supplement helps. Carry on, enjoy your swimsuits, I will be the lady under the palapa in the turtle neck and sweats. (Just kidding, if you know me, chub or no chub, I am woman hear me roar, I will be on the beach in my suit, just please don’t stand too close to me if you have lost your 20 pounds.)